Bonnie's Journey

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Dictated by Bonnie

Posted by norrieds on July 4, 2012 at 11:15 PM

July 4, 2012

Everyone's jouney with Cancer is unique.

There are some things we share with cancer survivers, no matter the age race etc but each person has their own road.

My journey started a little abruptly when I got sick to my stomach. Everyone thought it was my gall bladder, which spooked me to have it out, but I soon got the shocking news that it was really cancer. I thought 'Who? Me? The only surgery I ever had was my tonsils out at 5 years old, and now I have Cancer? Very funny right.' It did not dawn on me, some of it still has not dawned on me.

Some good news: all the aches and pains that I have suffered with for the past years have disappeared.

The leg pain has not gone away. The infamous leg pain that has bothered me for 20 some years has come to the attention of this Cancer Doctor. He checked it out and found it has cancer and is treating it along with the brain tumors that cause imbalance and dizzyness. I have been going to the doctors with this leg pain since I was in my 30s and now they find it is cancer.

However, the aches and pains in my back and shoulders are gone as if they never existed.

For the last few months I have not been able to wear most of my shoes because of the swelling in my feet. That has disappeared in the past week also. I can wear my sandals again! I am on a medicine called Dexamethasone to reduce swelling in the brain but I guess it works on other parts of the body too.

Dexamethasone is a steroid anti-inflamatory immunosurppressant which makes me feel very up and prevents me from sleeping, so they have lowered the dosage a bit. They say if I get blurry vision again to up the dosage of this. I am sleeping incredibly well now but right after I was put on this med I didn't sleep very much for 6 days.

I am wondering about this whole new world for me. What helps me is the little Fatima Garden at the entrance of the Cancer Center and the nun who greets me there and we sit and talk. It is designed like a cool little garden with running water in it and it gives me peace. There are placques that say in loving memory and has names of people that have been treated there. I think of all the people that have fought before me and their journey has ended there and they are at peace.

Today I was scared to go to this lake as it was hot and I wondered if I would survive it. Each day is like that, it brings on new frustrations and challenges. All this runs through my mind and each day I do everything at a very limited pace. The adjustments are frustrating, when I try to do something that I used to do well and can't now. And with each new frustration I yell 'GIVE ME A CIGARETTE!', I still want them but I will not smoke. There is nothing like soothing one's jangled nerves like a cigarette. I just want to release the frustrations. I have beautiful memories of smoking and I can close my eyes and pretend. Pretend does not kill you!!!There will be lots of sarcasims in this blog and there will continue to be. I am still me and still sarcastic.

I had a great compliment from my mother-in-law. When the Doctor told me and my husband, I had just a few months to live we decided not to fight it and live the those few months in comfort and not in the pain he described. My mother-in-law said it was obvious I had a lot of faith to do it that way, people with little faith fall completely apart. That complement made me feel really good.

Bonnie

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4 Comments

Reply LadyNitro
2:22 AM on July 5, 2012 
huggggggggies have u in my prayers miss u bunches and i hope all works out
Reply Elsy (Thorny)
11:15 AM on July 5, 2012 
Hi Bonnie or RR or sibbire! Sorry to hear about your health issues but I am praying really hard for you, girl! You are a very strong lady and I am proud of you. Love, Elsy (Thorny)
Reply Shaton ((jaz)
3:09 PM on July 5, 2012 
Huggggs Bonnie! You are amazing and I know that is a huge plus in your treatment. Sending many prayers and knowing that God answers prayers.
I'm really glad that the pain has diminished. Keep the faith my friend.
Reply Suzanne (aka DK)
6:58 PM on July 5, 2012 
Ramping up the positive thoughts and prayers to chase away the pain and those pesky tumours! You're in my thoughts and I am part of the Red Roses Army doing battle with you against this scourge called cancer.. Sending Many hugs to sustain you as well. :-)